Changing of the seasons.
My last and first letter has been a while. Summer was on the horizon back then and feels like a long time ago. Amsterdam’s Fall is in full swing by now and feels very tender with its soft temperatures, few rainfalls and many days with its low sun. I like to imagine this type of sun to be an older and wise friend that’s gently holding us all from afar.
Since the last time I wrote I went on a much-needed holiday, started the 2nd (and hopefully last) year of my master’s degree, made some major home improvements and made progress in our fertility journey. A very eventful, exciting and challenging time so to say.
I’d love to share what I’ve been noticing & doing. And I encourage you to stick to the end to get a hint of something exciting called Breiclub Noord.
SUMMER HOLIDAY
This summer particularly I imagined the holiday to be like the old days: one that feels endless, where you can reinvent yourself and only have to bother about your tan, where to swim and what to eat. I can gratefully say, besides the reinvention, I achieved all of the above.
J. and I spent our holiday partially in Bolzano/Bozen (Northern Italy) and on a cycling/camping trip at the border of Dutch National Park de Hoge Veluwe.
Bolzano
This extraordinary stunning lady was waiting in front of the train station where I arrived at the start of my holiday. She reminded me of my paternal grandmother with her great style, just the right amount of confidence (although the photograph seemed to make her a little shy) and grace at the same time. She was not only kind enough to let me take a picture, she even gifted me a blow kiss.
Hoge Veluwe
The joy of cycling, sleeping and living outside is one of the greatest if you ask me.
Our trip had a little hitch due to a lost tent. If I’ve lent you our ultralight “Big Agnes” tent without me knowing, I miss her. Luckily by sister H. had a spare tipi to borrow.
READING
Reading is one of the things I always strive to do more than I do in reality. But that’s OK. I’ve come a long way from hating to read as a kid to enjoying it very much and having such a thing as a to-read-shelf. The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk is one of the books that sat on that shelf for several years. During our Italian holiday I finally started reading it at. I’m very impressed how he has managed to create so much insight in the anatomy, impact and possible treatment of trauma. A few outtakes that I have underlined and feel are very relevant for the state the world is in:
“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience op mind, brain and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think. “
….
“Healing, he [E. Semrad] told us, depends on experiential knowledge: You can be fully in charge of your life only if you can acknowledge the reality of your body, in all its visceral dimensions.”
…
“The more people try to push away and ignore internal warning signs, the more likely they are to take over and leave them bewildered, confused, and ashamed. People who cannot comfortably notice what is going on inside become vulnerable to respond to any sensory shift either by shutting down or by going into a panic – they develop a fear of fear itself.”
Another book that I’ve been reading for a long time, and will continue to do eternally, is Lao Tzu’s Tao te Ching, in the new English version by Ursula K. Le Guin. It a joy to read and makes a great present, including for oneself!
This verse in particular resonates with my current personal emotional life.
Unlike Lao Tzu’s suggestion to do without doing, these brave Iranian girls are doing by doing.
FERTILITY
My emotional life has been long dominated by Alexithymia – Greek for not having words for feelings. I wasn’t familiar with the word until I read it in the book mentioned first, but the more with the experience of this phenomenon. Trying to bring a baby home has got me feeling all sort of feels. Trying to find, let alone maintain, an equilibrium between hope, longing, disappointments, gloom, surrender and picking myself up, amidst screeching hormones due to treatment feels…intense. If you have words, borrowed or owns own, that do this life experience justice, I’d love to hear from you.
HOME IMPROVEMENTS
After two years living without a proper kitchen, we finally have a brand-new one! (Plinths and sockets will be finished soon). It is my very first new and fully-equipped kitchen and makes me feels so mature in all the right ways. In the photo is one sight pictured only, not pictures is another counter on the opposite sight. See the tiny corner in the left? It was a suggestion of the IKEA-designer and turned out to be a surprisingly sweet spot next to our new coffee set up and the window where we watch passers-by. We’ve been cooking up a storm a.o. with the last produce from our garden. I can’t wait for all the meals that will be cooked.
KNITTING w/ LIFELINES
As the days grow a little colder and darker, I’ve slowly picking up my knitting needles again. After 2 years of knitting (one of the good things the COVID pandemic has brought me), I finally finished my first knit for J. It’s Deima’s 2 in 1 hat: a hat and balaclava in one. A fun knit but the placement of the opening unfortunately doesn’t really work when worn as a hat, at least on both our heads. So balaclava it is.
After that I started the long-awaited Emerson Pullover from Vivian Shao Chen. As I cast it on, late at night as I tend to do, I made several mistakes. So, I learned about the importance of pro-active lifelines (rather than reactive or non) the hard way, yet again. I had to start over several time. Below you can see the contrasting threads running through the knit (another project though) that will catch the stitches if they are, accidentally or intentionally, dropped.
I really like to think of these lifelines as a metaphor for life. As you knit in half-brioch you know it’s wise to insert one every few rows. Because if you drop a stitch it’s (at least for me at this stage) impossible to recover it. Against my better judgement I didn’t add a pro-active lifeline and had to deal with the mess I had facilitated. Just like I know I feel better when I regularly move my body vigorously, I currently don’t. And just like the regrettable dropped stitches, my body and mind confront me with discomfort. To which the only solace is reactive lifelines. Therefore, I went to the sauna last week, have booked a massage for next week, been trying out two new sportstudios in Amsterdam-Noord and invited Adriene in my living room. I’m curious to know about your pro-active and reactive lifelines, so please do share!
Fortunately, there was another kind of lifeline that I’ve been inserting in my life. The one of human connection. On a recent Saturday afternoon my friend R. and I spontaneously met at the quiet and lovely terrace of Apollonia to catch up, soak up that lovely love fall sun, drank this sweet ‘Tipsy Cherry’ cocktail accompanied by these chickpea fries called panisse.
ROXY
Just in time, I’d like to share the amazing work from my favourite human, J.
In the last couple years, he has been creating and performing, curating and organising dj-sets, exhibitions, talks and parties, guiding many students, becoming a gardener and recently outdoing himself with his very first film “RoXY”. It’s an origin story of the generational night club RoXY, and how it belongs to a post-war culture of collective play, resistance and liberation by art movements such as Cobra, Provo and Punk.
Upcoming week is the final week of the screening at Het HEM, Zaandam and will be on show until summer 2024(!) at Het Nieuwe Instituut, Rotterdam as well. And for those who aren’t located in the Netherlands or prefer to watch from home, he even thought of you. As you can tell, I’m beyond proud of him!
BREICLUB NOORD
It’s still in the works but following ‘Consider Beginnings’, I will start hosting a knitting circle very soon. The intention is to come together to knit, inspire and help each other with our knitting projects or ambitions. Much and no experience at all, are all welcome. I’m inspired by the much-loved Kleiclub and very honoured Bakkerij Ex is willing to host Breiclub Noord. Please send me an email at guusjesvb@gmail.com if you’re interested in joining and pencil in November 9th, 19:00-21:00. Once it’s all official official i’ll let you know.
This was it for the second round, thanks for reading!
Wat een geweldige stuk, jij kan wel schrijven!
<3